My partner says they will kill themselves if I leave. What do I do?

EQTiger Editorial · Sources checked 2026-10-26 · Expert review pending

If it is happening right now

Call 911 (or your local emergency number) if your partner has hurt themselves, has a weapon or pills in hand, or tells you a specific plan and a time. Say clearly, "My partner is threatening suicide and has a [gun, knife, pills]." If you are afraid for your own safety, get out of the room or the house first, then call.

If there is no immediate danger but the threat is serious, call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, or chat at 988lifeline.org. You can call with your partner, or call on your own to ask what to do. The 988 Lifeline is open every hour of every day and takes calls from people worried about someone else, not only from the person in crisis (988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, n.d.).

The Lifeline's advice for helping someone who may be suicidal is direct: ask about it openly, listen without lecturing, do not promise to keep it secret, and remove means such as weapons or pills where you can do that safely (988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, n.d.).

Two things can be true at once

Your partner may be in real pain. And the threat may also be working, maybe on purpose, to keep you in place. You do not have to decide which it is before you act, because the first step is the same: involve people trained in crisis.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline is plain about the second possibility. Threats like "If you leave me, I'll kill myself" are very serious, and they are also a form of emotional and psychological abuse when they are used to make you feel guilty or scared enough to stay or to do what the other person wants (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.). The same page makes three points that are worth reading twice:

• You can care about your partner's well-being without doing everything they say.
• You are not responsible for their actions, even if they choose to harm themselves.
• "If you loved me, you'd stop me" is emotional manipulation.

Some partners who say this are not controlling. They are depressed, frightened and saying the worst thing they feel. Others say it every time you set a limit, alongside other threats and rules. The page on signs of coercive control can help you see which pattern you are in.

What to say in the moment

You do not need perfect words. You need to be clear that you take it seriously and that you are getting help, and clear that the relationship decision is a separate question.

"I hear you. I'm not going to ignore that. I'm calling 988 right now, and I want you on the phone with me."

"I care whether you live. I'm still not going to stay because you're threatening to hurt yourself. Those are two different things."

"I'm not going to keep this between us. I'm calling your brother so you're not alone tonight."

"I can't be the only thing keeping you safe. Let's get someone who knows how to help."

What tends to make things worse: arguing about whether they mean it, daring them, promising to stay, or agreeing to keep it secret.

Staying is not a safety plan

If you stay in the relationship because of the threat, two things usually happen. The threat comes back the next time you try to leave, or the next time you say no to something. And your partner's safety now depends on one exhausted person instead of on treatment, crisis services and other people in their life.

You can still help without staying:

1. Make sure someone else in their life knows: a parent, sibling, close friend. Give them the 988 number.
2. If your partner has a therapist or doctor, tell your partner you are going to contact them, and do it.
3. If they have guns, ask a family member to hold them, or tell 988 or police so they can advise.
4. When you leave, tell the people around them when it will happen, so they can check on your partner that day.

When the threat comes with other warning signs

A suicide threat can also signal danger to you. The Hotline's guidance for friends and family notes that an abusive partner poses a serious risk if they have attempted suicide in the past, talk about a specific plan, or have access to a gun (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.). A meta-analysis of 17 studies found that a partner's direct access to a gun was among the strongest risk factors for a man killing a female partner, along with past strangulation and past threats to harm her (Spencer and Stith, 2020).

The link between partner violence and suicide runs in both directions. An analysis of North Carolina death records found that partner violence came before at least 4.5 percent of single suicides, that most of those who died had been the ones using violence against a partner, and that recent statements of suicidal intent and firearm use were more common in those cases (Kafka and colleagues, 2022). That study relied on what investigators wrote down, so the real share is probably higher.

If your partner has been violent or controlling, has a gun, and is now threatening suicide as you try to leave, treat it as an emergency for both of you. Call the Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788 to plan your exit, and call 911 if anyone is in danger.

Leaving anyway

You are allowed to leave a relationship even when the other person is struggling. Plan it with support:

• Talk to a Hotline advocate about timing, where you will stay, and who should know.
• Tell your partner's support people before you go, not after.
• Expect the threat to come again on the day. Have 988 and 911 ready, and do not go back into the house alone to check on them; ask police for a welfare check instead.
• After you leave, do not answer late-night calls alone. Forward threatening messages to the person you named as their support, or to 988.

The page on leaving an abusive relationship safely covers what to pack and how to choose the day. If the relationship is not abusive and you share a home, breaking up with someone you live with covers the practical side.

This is heavy for you too

Being told that someone's life depends on you is one of the most frightening things a person can hear. It is common to feel guilty, numb, angry and terrified all at once. You can call or text 988 for yourself, not only about your partner. If your partner's behavior has worn you down over months, the page on how emotional abuse differs from ordinary conflict may help you make sense of it. The hard situations and safety guide lists the other pages here.