Am I being gaslighted by my partner?

EQTiger Editorial · Sources checked 2026-10-26 · Expert review pending

The night you scrolled back through your own texts

Nadia is sure Sam said he would pick his mother up from the airport on Friday. She heard him say it on Tuesday, standing by the fridge. On Friday afternoon he says he never agreed to anything, that she is "making things up again," and that this is the third time this month. He sounds worried rather than angry: "I think something's going on with you. You should talk to someone about your memory." Nadia drives to the airport. That night she scrolls back through two weeks of their messages looking for proof, finds nothing because it was said out loud, and ends up apologizing.

One evening like that proves nothing. People mishear, forget and talk past each other. What made Nadia stop and look was the habit she had started without noticing: a note on her phone titled "things I'm sure of," and screenshots of ordinary conversations, saved in case she needed to show herself later that they had happened. If you have started doing something similar, that habit is worth taking seriously.

Where the word comes from and what it describes

The term comes from the 1944 film *Gaslight*, in which a husband dims the gas lamps in the house and then tells his wife the flicker is in her head. Sociologist Paige Sweet describes gaslighting as psychological abuse aimed at making a victim seem or feel crazy, and argues it works by turning social stereotypes and inequalities against the person, most often the old association between femininity and irrationality (Sweet, 2019). Her work draws on abusive relationships and does not estimate how common gaslighting is.

In practice the lever is whatever the partner can use to make your word count for less: a history of depression or anxiety, a period when you drank too much, being newer to the country, being younger, earning less, or being the one who cries in arguments. "You're not well right now" lands harder on someone who has been unwell before.

The word has also become a casual insult for any disagreement. That overuse hurts the people it describes, because a real pattern starts to sound like an exaggeration. So it helps to be precise about what you are seeing.

Side by side: a memory gap and the pattern

The left column can still be frustrating. Nobody enjoys losing the plumber argument. But in that column your experience stays on the table even when the facts are disputed.

Three questions that sort one from the other

1. Which way does the doubt run? In an honest relationship each of you is sometimes wrong and sometimes admits it. If you are always the one who misremembered, overreacted or misunderstood, notice that.
2. Is your feeling allowed even when the facts are unclear? "I don't remember it that way, but I can see you're upset" lets both things be true. "That never happened, so you have no reason to be upset" erases the feeling along with the memory.
3. What happens when you hold your ground? Ordinary partners shrug, check, or agree to disagree. In the pattern, pushing back brings a cost: a bigger fight, days of silence, talk of how worried everyone is about you, or a threat to leave.

Gaslighting rarely shows up alone. It often sits beside checking your phone, limiting who you see or controlling money. Stark and Hester describe coercive control as a pattern of domination rather than a type of violence, and argue that the level of control predicts later harms, including violence after separation (Stark and Hester, 2019). If those other things are present, read the signs of coercive control and how emotional abuse differs from ordinary fighting next. If the line you hear most is that you are too sensitive, what to do when your partner says you're too sensitive looks at that one closely.

Keeping a record no one else can read

The point of a record is not to win the next argument. It is to have something steady to read at 2 a.m. when you are no longer sure what you saw. Keep each entry short:

• the date and where you were
• what was said, in their words as closely as you can remember
• what you remember happening, written before you talk yourself out of it
• anything outside your head that backs it up: a calendar entry, a receipt, an email, a photo with a timestamp
• how you felt afterward, in one line

Where you keep it matters more than how neat it is. If your partner has your passcode, reads your messages or shares your cloud account, a notes app on your phone is the wrong place. The National Domestic Violence Hotline's tech-safety guidance covers clearing browser, call and text history, agreeing on a codeword with the people helping you, and changing shared passwords and social media settings (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.). A notebook kept at work, an email account your partner does not know about, or a document a friend holds for you are all options. If you suspect your phone is being watched, what to do if your partner monitors your phone explains why to plan before you remove an app or change a password.

Checking your memory without confronting anyone

You do not need your partner to agree with you in order to find out whether your memory works. Test it against things that do not argue back. Did the calendar invitation go out? Does the bank statement show the purchase you were told you invented? Are you reliable at work, with friends, with appointments? People whose memory is failing usually see it in many places, not only in conversations with one person.

You can also ask someone who was there, without leading them:

Can I check something with you? At Leah's party, did you hear Sam say he'd drive home?

I've started doubting things I'm normally sure about. Can I read you a couple and you tell me if they sound off?

Pick one or two people you trust who are not close to your partner, and tell them only as much as feels safe. You are asking them to be a second pair of eyes, not a jury. Do not tell your partner that you are keeping notes or checking with friends.

Before you name it to your partner

Saying "you're gaslighting me" out loud can feel like the moment everything gets cleared up. With a partner who controls you, it can be the moment things get worse. If you feel any fear about how they will react, make a plan first. The Hotline's personal safety plan walks through three stages: while the abuse is happening, while you prepare to leave, and after you leave (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.). You can talk it through with an advocate at the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-7233, by texting START to 88788, or by chat at thehotline.org, without having decided anything. If you are in danger right now, call 911.

If you are not afraid of your partner and the rest of the relationship feels fair, a calm, specific request can be worth trying once:

When I remember something differently, I need you to say you remember it differently. Not that I'm crazy. Can you do that?

Watch what happens over the next few weeks rather than in the next five minutes. A partner who was careless can change the habit. A partner who needs you unsure of yourself usually finds a new way to make you unsure.

Why couples counseling is the wrong first step here

When something is wrong in a relationship, couples therapy sounds like the responsible move. With an abusive partner it can backfire. The Hotline does not recommend couples counseling with an abusive partner: abuse is not a relationship problem, therapy cannot fix the imbalance of power, things you say in a session can be used against you later, and a therapist may miss what is happening; it points to individual support instead (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.). A therapist of your own, or an advocate, can help you sort out what is real without your partner in the room shaping the answer.

If a friend is the one telling you this

Friends often hear about gaslighting sideways: "I'm probably remembering it wrong, but..." The most useful thing you can say is that their doubt makes sense and that you are not going to argue them out of it. Skip labels for the partner, because they tend to make your friend defend them. How to help a friend in an abusive relationship covers what helps and what pushes people away. If your friend decides to go, leaving an abusive relationship safely is the plan to read together.