Staying safe after leaving an abusive relationship

EQTiger Editorial · Sources checked 2026-10-26 · Expert review pending

The first two weeks

Most people expect to feel safe the moment they are out. Often the opposite happens: the texts pick up, your ex appears where you used to go, mutual friends pass along messages. Plan for that.

The Hotline's guidance for after you leave covers a set of changes worth working through, roughly in this order (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.):

1. Change what they have keys or codes to. Locks, garage codes, alarm codes, the Wi-Fi password if you stayed in the same home.
2. Change your number if you can, or at least block your ex and save the blocked messages somewhere.
3. Vary your routes and times. A different way to work, a different grocery store, a different gym or class time.
4. Tell your children's school who is and is not allowed to pick them up, and give them a copy of any protection order.
5. Move appointments your ex knows about, like a regular doctor's visit or a standing Saturday class.
6. Think about your address. A post office box or a trusted friend's address for mail, and ask an advocate whether your state has an address confidentiality program, which can keep your new address out of public records.

You do not have to do all of it in a week. Start with whatever your ex is most likely to use.

Protection orders, honestly

A civil protection order (also called a restraining order) is a court order telling your ex to stay away and stop contacting you. It can help, and it is not a shield.

The best-known study of whether they work followed 2,691 women in Seattle who had reported partner violence to police (Holt and colleagues, 2002). Women with a permanent protection order in effect were much less likely to be physically abused again over the next year than women without one. Temporary orders, the short ones usually granted first, were not linked to less physical violence, and women with temporary orders were more likely to report psychological abuse in that period. That was one city, police-reported incidents only, and women chose whether to seek orders, so it cannot tell you what will happen in your case. What it suggests is that the full order is worth pursuing and that the weeks between the temporary and permanent orders need their own safety plan.

If you get an order, keep a certified copy with you, give copies to your workplace and your children's school, and if you move states, register it with the courts in the new state (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.). A legal advocate, whom a Hotline advocate can connect you with, can walk you through the process where you live.

When they will not stop contacting you

Repeated texts, calls, gifts left on the car, showing up at work, messages through friends, new social media accounts after you block the old ones: all of this can be stalking. The Hotline notes that much stalking happens after a victim leaves, and that it can wear people down until going back feels like the only way to make it stop (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.).

What helps:

• Do not answer, and do not explain. Every reply, even "stop texting me," tells them the channel works.
• Log everything. Date, time, what happened, any witnesses, screenshots. The Hotline's advice is to document anything that makes you afraid or uncomfortable, however small it seems (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.).
• Use one channel for anything you must discuss, such as children. Some families use a co-parenting app or an email address used for nothing else, so messages are recorded and you are not on the phone with them.
• Do not go alone to places your ex might show up. Bring someone, or let someone know when you arrive and leave.

If you have children together and must hand them over, ask an advocate about doing exchanges at a police station or a supervised exchange center.

Your phone, accounts and car

Separation is when many people discover their ex still has access to something: a shared cloud account, location sharing on an old app, a family phone plan, a tracker in the car.

When you are out, it is time to make the changes you held back on before leaving. Change passwords on email, banking, cloud storage and social media, turn on two-factor authentication, review location sharing on every app, and check privacy settings so you cannot be found or tagged easily (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.). If your ex still seems to know where you are, the page on what to do if your partner monitors your phone covers how monitoring usually works and who can check a device with you.

Tell a few people what to do

You do not have to tell everyone. Tell the people who are most likely to see your ex first.

At work: "I've left an abusive relationship. If [name] calls or shows up, please don't tell him my schedule or put him through. Here's a photo. If he won't leave, call security or the police."

To a neighbor: "If you see this car parked outside, or hear anything, please call 911 first and then text me."

To the school: "Only these three people can pick up my kids. Here's a copy of the court order."

Be clear about who you do want contacted, including whether you want them to call police. The Hotline suggests exactly this kind of conversation with neighbors, colleagues and anyone who cares for your children (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.).

Why the danger can rise after you go

This part is hard to read. Researchers who study coercive control report that the level of control in a relationship predicts violence and sexual assault after separation (Stark and Hester, 2019). A meta-analysis of 28 studies found that threats, stalking and controlling behavior were among the factors associated with a higher risk of a partner killing the other (Matias and colleagues, 2020). Most people who leave are not killed, and these are risk factors, not predictions. But if your ex is stalking you, making threats, has a gun or has strangled you in the past, tell an advocate and the police, and treat it as urgent.

Getting your footing back

Many people feel worse in the first months after leaving, not better: exhausted, lonely, doubting the decision. A review of research on leaving abusive relationships found that some women had more psychological distress just after leaving than those still in the relationship, and explained it by the pile-up of stress at that time: housing, money, court, children, and often continued harassment (Anderson and Saunders, 2003). It does not mean you made the wrong choice. It means you are carrying a lot.

Support helps. An advocate can connect you with counseling, support groups and help with housing or money. If your ex controlled the finances, the page on financial abuse has steps for rebuilding. Grief for the relationship is normal too, even for one that hurt you; getting over a breakup covers that part, though the safety steps here come first.

If you feel overwhelmed or start thinking about ending your life, call or text 988 any time.

If you are thinking about going back

Many people do return at least once, often because of money, children, loneliness or pressure from the ex. If you are considering it, you do not have to hide that from an advocate. Call the Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 and talk through what would need to be different, and what your safety plan would be if you went back. The hard situations and safety guide and the page on leaving an abusive relationship safely are there if you leave again.