How to leave an abusive relationship safely: a safety planning guide

EQTiger Editorial · Sources checked 2026-10-26 · Expert review pending

Start with one call, from a safe phone

A safety plan is a written or memorized set of decisions about how you will stay as safe as possible: while you are still in the relationship, while you prepare to go, and after you are out. The Hotline offers an interactive safety plan that walks through those three stages (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.), and its advocates will build one with you over the phone, by text or in a chat.

You do not need to have decided anything to make that call. Some people call to plan an exit date. Others call to work out how to get through next weekend. Both are normal.

Use a phone or computer your partner cannot check: a friend's phone, a work computer you trust, a library computer. If your own phone is the only option, the page on what to do if your partner monitors your phone explains how to reduce what they can see.

Call 911 instead if you are in danger right now. Thoughts of ending your own life are a reason to call or text 988 first.

While you still live together

Leaving can take weeks or months to arrange, and safety in the meantime matters. The Hotline's guidance for people still living with an abusive partner includes these steps (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.):

• Know which rooms have a way out and no weapons. Kitchens and garages are poor places to be during an argument; a room with an outside door is better.
• Keep a phone you can reach, charged, with the Hotline and one trusted person saved under names your partner will not question.
• Build a few ordinary reasons to leave the house at different times: a grocery run, a late shift, a friend's errand. Then use them, so leaving does not look unusual later.
• Agree on a signal with a neighbor or friend, such as a text with one word or a light left on, and tell them exactly who to call when they see it.
• If weapons are in the house, keep them locked away if you can do that safely.

If there are children at home, the Hotline suggests choosing a safe place they can go during a crisis and telling them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.).

Money and paperwork, quietly

Abusive partners often control money, which is one reason leaving takes time. Small steps add up:

1. Open an account in your name only, at a different bank, with statements going to a trusted friend's address or online only.
2. Put aside cash in small amounts, or ask someone you trust to hold it.
3. Photograph or copy important documents and store the copies with a friend or in an email account your partner does not know about.
4. Write down account numbers, your partner's income and employer, and the details of any debts in your name.
5. Find out what your shelter or local program can help with before you need it. The Hotline suggests calling shelters ahead to learn their policies (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.).

If your partner has taken out credit in your name or controls every account, the page on financial abuse has more steps.

What to take with you

The Hotline keeps a checklist for leaving in a hurry (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.). Here it is sorted by how much it matters if you only have minutes.

A bag kept at a friend's house, or in the trunk of a car your partner does not use, means you can leave with almost nothing in your hands.

Choosing the day

Pick a time when your partner is predictably away, such as a work shift or a trip, and when you have somewhere to go: a friend's place they do not know about, a shelter bed confirmed that morning, a relative in another town.

Leave tech changes until close to the moment you go. Turning off location sharing, changing passwords or using the iPhone Safety Check feature can be noticed quickly; the Hotline recommends doing it as close as possible to when you leave (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.).

Tell very few people the date. Every person who knows is one more way the plan can reach your partner.

Why the weeks around leaving need extra care

This section is not meant to frighten you into staying. It is the reason a plan matters.

In an 11-city study of women killed by an intimate partner, estrangement, especially from a controlling partner, was one of the risk factors, along with the partner's access to a gun and past threats with a weapon (Campbell and colleagues, 2003). A later meta-analysis of 17 studies found that the strongest warning signs included gun access, past strangulation, threats with a weapon and controlling behavior (Spencer and Stith, 2020). A review of coercive control research adds that the level of control in the relationship predicts violence and sexual assault after separation (Stark and Hester, 2019).

If any of those apply to you, say so to the advocate. They change the plan: where you go, who knows, whether to seek a protection order and how fast.

Many people leave more than once before it sticks. That is not failure. Each attempt teaches you something about what the next plan needs.

If you cannot leave yet

Sometimes the honest answer is "not now." There is no money yet, a child is mid-school-year, there is nowhere to go, or you are not ready. That is a real situation, and a safety plan still applies to it.

Some people use the waiting time like this:

• Pick one person outside the house who knows everything, and agree that you will text them a check-in word every evening. No word by 10 p.m. means they call you, and if you do not answer, they call 911.
• Memorize two phone numbers, in case your phone is taken.
• Keep a small amount of cash and a copy of your ID somewhere outside the home.
• Write down, privately, what would make you leave immediately: a weapon, a threat to the kids, being choked. Deciding the line in advance makes it easier to act when it is crossed.

Advocates help people plan for staying as well as leaving. Telling one that you are not ready will not end the conversation.

The first night

Once you are out, the immediate jobs are small: get somewhere safe, charge your phone, tell your one trusted person you arrived, and sleep if you can. The rest, from protection orders to new routines, is covered in staying safe after you leave.

If you are not sure yet whether what you are living with counts as abuse, the page on signs of coercive control may help you name it. The hard situations and safety guide lists everything in this part of the Center.