Validation: definition and example
Emotional validation is communicating that another person's feelings are understandable given their situation, without necessarily agreeing with their conclusions or actions. "Of course you are upset, you were counting on that call" validates; "You shouldn't feel that way" invalidates.
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What an experiment found
Shenk and Fruzzetti found that participants who received invalidating responses during a stressful task showed more negative feeling, higher heart rate, and higher skin conductance over time than participants who received validating responses (Shenk and Fruzzetti, 2011). It was a lab experiment, but it fits a common experience: being dismissed tends to escalate distress.
What it sounds like
Validating: "That makes sense. You stayed late all week and then the plan changed." "I would be frustrated too." "I can see why that scared you." Invalidating: "It is not a big deal." "You are overreacting." "At least it wasn't worse." Note that validation targets the feeling. You can say, "I get why you are angry" and still say, "I am not okay with being yelled at."
Levels of validation
Validation can be as small as paying attention without checking your phone, or as full as saying, "Given what happened at work this week, it makes complete sense you are exhausted." You do not need perfect words. Accurate reflection plus a sentence that says the feeling makes sense covers most situations.
Validation is not agreement or permission
You can validate a feeling while disagreeing with the facts or refusing a request. Validation also never means accepting harm. If a partner frightens, controls, threatens, or hurts you, that is not a communication problem to validate your way through. In the US, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org; call or text 988 in a crisis, and call 911 or local emergency services if you are in danger.
Related: active listening and repair attempts.
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Research notes
- Chad E. Shenk, Alan E. Fruzzetti (2011). The impact of validating and invalidating responses on emotional reactivity. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 30(2), 163-183. In an experiment, participants who received invalidating responses showed higher negative affect, heart rate, and skin conductance over time than participants who received validating responses. doi.org/10.1521/jscp.2011.30.2.163
Related
- No. 01EQ glossaryThe words behind emotional intelligence, defined.
- No. 02Active listeningActive listening is a way of listening that shows you understood: you reflect back what you heard, ask questions that invite more, and hold off on advice.
- No. 03Co-regulationCo-regulation is the back-and-forth process in which two people's emotional states influence each other in a way that helps both stay steadier.
- No. 04Repair attemptA repair attempt is any word or gesture during a disagreement that keeps negativity from escalating, such as a joke, a softened tone, or "Okay, I came in hot.
- No. 05Relationships and CommunicationEmotional skills in relationships come down to saying what you need clearly, hearing the other person accurately, handling disagreement without giving up your own view, and repairing after harm. Research links emotional intelligence to relationship satisfaction only modestly and correlationally, and popular frameworks such as love languages have weak support. If a relationship involves threats or control, the issue is safety, not communication.
- No. 06Emotional Intelligence Test: Free EQ AssessmentExplore your emotional choices with a free 36-item assessment for adults. Get a profile summary and strongest area, then choose whether to unlock the full report.
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