Active listening: definition and example
Active listening is a way of listening that shows you understood: you reflect back what you heard, ask questions that invite more, and hold off on advice. In one study of short conversations, people who were listened to this way felt more understood than people who got advice.
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What a study found
Weger and colleagues had students talk with listeners who used active listening (paraphrasing and asking for more), simple acknowledgments, or advice. In these short conversations between strangers, people whose words were reflected back felt more understood than people who got advice or simple acknowledgments (Weger and colleagues, 2014). Strangers are not couples or coworkers, so read it as a reason to try the habit, not proof that it repairs anything.
The three moves
Reflect: "So the part that stings is that they announced it without telling you first?" Ask: "What happened after that?" or "What would have felt fair?" Hold advice until invited: "Do you want ideas, or do you mostly need to vent right now?" Getting the reflection slightly wrong is fine; the other person will correct it, and the correction is useful.
Common misunderstanding
Active listening is not parroting every sentence or nodding while planning your reply. It is also not agreement. You can reflect "You feel I have been ignoring the dishes" and still disagree about whose turn it was, once the other person feels heard.
Related: validation acknowledges that a feeling makes sense, and empathic accuracy is how listening makes your guesses about others more correct.
Back to the glossary or emotions A to Z, or start the free assessment for adult self-reflection. Not therapy or a mental-health screening. EQTiger does not diagnose.
Research notes
- Harry Weger Jr., Gina Castle Bell, Elizabeth M. Minei, Melissa C. Robinson (2014). The Relative Effectiveness of Active Listening in Initial Interactions. International Journal of Listening, 28(1), 13-31. In short conversations between strangers, people whose words were reflected back felt more understood than people who got advice or simple acknowledgments. doi.org/10.1080/10904018.2013.813234
Related
- No. 01EQ glossaryThe words behind emotional intelligence, defined.
- No. 02ValidationEmotional validation is communicating that another person's feelings are understandable given their situation, without necessarily agreeing with their conclusions or actions.
- No. 03Perspective takingPerspective taking is deliberately imagining a situation from another person's point of view.
- No. 04Empathic accuracyEmpathic accuracy is how correctly one person infers another's thoughts and feelings in a real interaction.
- No. 05Emotional intelligence toolsThese four free tools let you explore emotion words, practice precise labels, or prepare a conversation plan. Each offers a concrete interaction you can try in your browser. They do not determine your feelings, provide therapy, or replace a conversation with the person involved.
- No. 06Emotional Intelligence Test: Free EQ AssessmentExplore your emotional choices with a free 36-item assessment for adults. Get a profile summary and strongest area, then choose whether to unlock the full report.
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