Repair attempt: definition and example
A repair attempt is any word or gesture during a disagreement that keeps negativity from escalating, such as a joke, a softened tone, or "Okay, I came in hot. Let me start over." The term comes from relationship practitioners, and the idea is that repair, not the absence of conflict, keeps a disagreement workable.
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Where the term comes from
The Gottman Institute, a relationship training organization, defines a repair attempt as any verbal or non-verbal action that prevents negativity from escalating during conflict (The Gottman Institute, 2016). That definition comes from a practitioner blog rather than a peer-reviewed paper, so treat it as a useful working concept.
Related research on recovery
Peer-reviewed work points in a similar direction. In a study following 73 young adults and their partners, having a partner who recovered well after a conflict discussion went with more positive relationship emotions and greater satisfaction (Salvatore and colleagues, 2011). That is about recovering after conflict rather than repair attempts specifically, but both stress what happens after things go wrong.
Examples that tend to land
"Can we pause? I want to get this right, not win." "I hear that I made it sound like your fault. That is not what I meant." "Let me try that again, more calmly." A hand on an arm, or making the other person a coffee halfway through. The repair matters less than whether the other person accepts it, so offer more than one and accept theirs when they reach out.
Limits
Repair attempts help ordinary disagreements. They are not a tool for fixing a relationship where one person fears the other. In the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is free and confidential at 1-800-799-7233 (text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org); call or text 988 in a crisis, and call 911 or local emergency services if you are in danger. Related: co-regulation and defensiveness.
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Research notes
- Kyle Benson (2016). Love Quiz: How Well Do You Repair Your Relationship?. The Gottman Institute. Defines a repair attempt as any verbal or non-verbal action that prevents negativity from escalating during conflict. Limits: practitioner blog, not peer-reviewed; page last updated 2026. www.gottman.com/blog/how-well-do-you-repair-your-relationship/
- Jessica E. Salvatore, Sally I-Chun Kuo, Ryan D. Steele, Jeffry A. Simpson, W. Andrew Collins (2011). Recovering from conflict in romantic relationships: A developmental perspective. Psychological Science, 22(3), 376-383. Followed 73 young adults and their partners and found that having a partner who recovered well after a conflict discussion went with more positive relationship emotions and greater satisfaction. doi.org/10.1177/0956797610397055
Related
- No. 01EQ glossaryThe words behind emotional intelligence, defined.
- No. 02ValidationEmotional validation is communicating that another person's feelings are understandable given their situation, without necessarily agreeing with their conclusions or actions.
- No. 03Co-regulationCo-regulation is the back-and-forth process in which two people's emotional states influence each other in a way that helps both stay steadier.
- No. 04Emotion regulationEmotion regulation is how people influence which emotions they have, when they have them, and how they experience and express them.
- No. 05DefensivenessFeeling criticized or blamed
- No. 06Emotional Intelligence Test: Free EQ AssessmentExplore your emotional choices with a free 36-item assessment for adults. Get a profile summary and strongest area, then choose whether to unlock the full report.
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