Co-regulation: definition and example
Co-regulation is the back-and-forth process in which two people's emotional states influence each other in a way that helps both stay steadier. A calm voice slowing a partner's racing speech, and their relief easing your tension in turn, is co-regulation in action.
Editorially checked
Explore your emotions and relationships with the free EQTiger assessment.
By EQTiger Editorial. Review status: needs-expert-review. Qualified review is pending; the date records an editorial check.
A research definition
Butler and Randall proposed defining coregulation as a two-way linkage of emotional channels between relationship partners, such as feelings, physiology, and behavior, that contributes to emotional stability for both (Butler and Randall, 2013). Their paper is a theory proposal, so treat it as a careful definition rather than a finding about any particular couple.
What it looks like
Your partner comes home rattled after a near-miss on the highway, talking fast. You sit down, lower your own voice, and say, "That sounds really scary. You are home now. Want some tea while you tell me?" As they slow down, your own shoulders relax. Neither of you "fixed" the other; you steadied each other.
Small co-regulation moves
Slow your own speech a little. Sit rather than stand over someone. Offer a simple choice: "Walk or sit?" Name what you see without judging: "That was a lot." These cues tend to work best when the other person wants support; if they ask for space, giving it is co-regulation too.
Limits worth knowing
Linkage can run in either direction. Two people can also wind each other up, which is closer to emotional contagion spiraling. Co-regulation is also not a duty to manage another adult's feelings for them, and it is not a substitute for safety: if someone frightens or controls you, staying calm for them is not the goal, and outside help is. In the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is free and confidential at 1-800-799-7233 (text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org); call or text 988 in a crisis, and call 911 or local emergency services if you are in danger.
Related: emotion regulation on your own, and validation, one of the main tools of co-regulation.
Back to the glossary or emotions A to Z, or start the free assessment for adult self-reflection. Not therapy or a mental-health screening. EQTiger does not diagnose.
Research notes
- Emily A. Butler, Ashley K. Randall (2013). Emotional coregulation in close relationships. Emotion Review. Proposes an operational definition of coregulation as a bidirectional linkage of oscillating emotional channels between relationship partners that contributes to emotional stability for both partners. Limits: theory paper; published online 2012, print issue 2013 (vol. 5, no. 2). doi.org/10.1177/1754073912451630
Related
- No. 01EQ glossaryThe words behind emotional intelligence, defined.
- No. 02Emotion regulationEmotion regulation is how people influence which emotions they have, when they have them, and how they experience and express them.
- No. 03Emotional contagionEmotional contagion is the tendency to catch other people's emotions, often without noticing, by automatically mirroring their faces, voices, and posture.
- No. 04ValidationEmotional validation is communicating that another person's feelings are understandable given their situation, without necessarily agreeing with their conclusions or actions.
- No. 05Relationships and CommunicationEmotional skills in relationships come down to saying what you need clearly, hearing the other person accurately, handling disagreement without giving up your own view, and repairing after harm. Research links emotional intelligence to relationship satisfaction only modestly and correlationally, and popular frameworks such as love languages have weak support. If a relationship involves threats or control, the issue is safety, not communication.
- No. 06Emotional Intelligence Test: Free EQ AssessmentExplore your emotional choices with a free 36-item assessment for adults. Get a profile summary and strongest area, then choose whether to unlock the full report.
Your next 9 minutes
Understand your emotions.
36 questions about everyday moments. A fresh starting point for reflection.
Free to take. Full report $6.95. One-time payment. No subscription.