Contempt: what it means and how to respond

What contempt is

Contempt combines judgment and superiority. It sounds like a sneered "Of course you forgot," a mocking imitation, a joke at someone's expense, or an eye-roll when they talk. It says, "You are not worth taking seriously." People often do not notice they feel it until they hear their own tone.

How it can feel in the body

Contempt can feel cool rather than hot: a slight lift of one side of the mouth, a smirk, a scoff, an urge to roll the eyes or turn away. Some people describe a sense of distance or coldness toward the person. Others notice it as a running commentary in their head about how incompetent or ridiculous someone is. Contempt also leaks into small habits, like sighing when a person starts to talk or retelling their mistakes to friends for laughs.

Why it matters

Across three self-report studies, Fischer and Roseman found that anger was linked to short-term attack but long-term reconciliation, while contempt was linked to rejecting and excluding the other person in both the short and the long term, and that contempt could grow out of earlier anger at the same person (Fischer and Roseman, 2007). The Gottman Institute lists contempt among four patterns that harm relationships and pairs it with an antidote: building a culture of appreciation and respect (The Gottman Institute, 2013).

How it differs from nearby feelings

Anger says "what you did is wrong." Contempt says "you are lesser." Disgust pulls away from something contaminating; contempt looks down. Resentment is often the long road to contempt, when a grievance goes unaddressed for months. Admiration is the opposite: looking up to someone's qualities.

What it may be telling you

Contempt is often a sign that frustration or hurt has gone unspoken for too long and has hardened into a story about the other person. It can also signal a real mismatch in values. Either way, the useful question is: what complaint is underneath? Contempt is easier to replace once you can name the specific behavior that bothers you.

A real-life example

When his wife misreads the map again, Marcus hears himself say, "Unbelievable. Do you ever pay attention?" He catches the tone. Later he says: "I was rude earlier, and I'm sorry. I get stressed when we're late. Can you read directions out loud while I drive, and I'll stop commenting?" He also makes a point that week of thanking her for things she usually does without credit.

Three steps to replace contempt

1. Notice the signs in yourself: sarcasm, eye-rolling, name-calling, or a mental sneer. Name it privately as contempt.
2. Find the specific complaint underneath and state it as a request about behavior, not character.
3. Practice appreciation on purpose: notice and say one thing the person does well each day. It is harder to look down on someone you are actively noticing.

Words you could use

• “I was rude just now, and I'm sorry. What I meant was that I'm stressed about being late.”
• “Can we talk about the bills? I've been frustrated and I haven't said so directly.”
• “Thanks for handling the school forms. I noticed.”

A reflection prompt

Is there someone I have started to look down on, and what complaint have I never actually said to them?

The EQTiger dimension it relates to

Contempt sits squarely in Conflict Navigation: disagreeing without degrading the other person keeps conflict repairable. Read what the conflict score describes.