Confusion: what it means and how to respond

A mismatch you can feel

You read the instructions twice and still do not know which cable goes where. Your partner says “I'm fine” in a tone that does not sound fine. The tax form asks for a number you cannot find. Confusion is the feeling that the pieces are not lining up, and it often comes with a pull to either dig in or walk away.

What confusion can feel like

Many people notice a furrowed brow, squinting, rereading the same line, a hand on the forehead, or a hot flush of embarrassment if others seem to understand. Some feel a mental fog. In groups, confusion often stays hidden because nobody wants to be the person who asks.

Confusion about people works the same way as confusion about tasks. When someone's words and tone do not match, or a friend goes quiet after a joke, you are holding two pieces of information that do not fit. Guessing to fill the gap is tempting. Asking is usually faster and more accurate.

When confusion helps

Confusion can drive learning when it pushes you to find more information. In three trivia studies, Vogl and colleagues found that surprise, curiosity, and confusion followed confident wrong answers, and confusion predicted people looking up more information in two of the three studies (Vogl and colleagues, 2020). That effect was less stable than for curiosity, which fits everyday experience: confusion helps when you have a next step, and stalls you when you do not.

So the useful question is not “Why am I so confused?” but “What exactly don't I understand?” A precise confusion is half a question already.

Confusion, curiosity, and frustration

Curiosity is pleasant: you want to know, and the gap feels inviting. Confusion is less comfortable; the gap feels like a problem. Frustration arrives when confusion lasts and your efforts keep failing. Surprise often comes first: the unexpected thing happens, and then you realize you do not understand it.

Example: the meeting where nobody asked

Halfway through a budget review, Mei realizes she has lost track of which numbers are forecasts and which are actuals. Everyone else is nodding. She considers looking it up later, then says: “Sorry, I want to make sure I'm reading this right. Are the gray columns forecasts?” Two other people say they were wondering the same thing. The presenter relabels the slide. Her confusion turned out to be the room's confusion.

Three steps to work through confusion

1. Locate it. Finish the sentence “The part I don't get is...” as specifically as you can.
2. Ask one targeted question, or look up one thing. If you are in a group, assume someone else is confused too.
3. Set a limit. If you are still stuck after a reasonable effort, take a break or ask someone to explain it a different way before confusion turns into frustration.

Words you could use

• “Sorry, I want to make sure I'm following. Are these numbers forecasts or actuals?”
• “I'm lost on one part. Can you explain it another way?”
• “You said you're fine, but you sound upset. I'm confused. What's going on?”

A reflection prompt

When I am confused, do I usually ask, quietly look it up, or pretend to understand, and what does each choice cost me?

The EQTiger dimension it relates to

Confusion relates to Emotional Self-Awareness: noticing the specific point where understanding breaks down, instead of a vague sense of being bad at something. Read what the self-awareness score describes.