Surprise: what it means and how to respond

A short interruption

Surprise is the shortest emotion on this list. Your boss appears at your desk. A friend you thought was abroad knocks on the door. The test result is not what you braced for. For a second or two, everything stops while your mind catches up.

In everyday speech people talk about good and bad surprises, but research suggests the first moment may lean negative. In a study of recalled surprising events and two studies of surprised facial expressions, Noordewier and Breugelmans found that surprise was initially experienced, and seen in others, as mildly negative (Noordewier and Breugelmans, 2013). An interruption costs something before you know whether it is good news.

The body's quick reset

A gasp, raised eyebrows, a startle, a half-step back, a pause in speech. Many people say “Wait, what?” before they can say anything else. Faces are a weak guide on their own: the same wide-eyed look can come with fear, delight, or plain confusion, and expressions vary a lot across people and situations (Barrett and colleagues, 2019).

What surprise is for

Surprise flags a gap between what you predicted and what happened. That makes it valuable. In trivia studies, Vogl and colleagues found that surprise followed confident wrong answers and predicted people looking up more information (Vogl and colleagues, 2020). The lesson is practical: a surprise is a cue to update, not just a moment to react.

Some people enjoy being surprised and plan their lives to include it; others find even pleasant surprises draining, like a party thrown in their honor without warning. Neither preference is wrong. If you are the one doing the surprising, it helps to know which kind of person you are dealing with.

Where surprise goes next

Surprise rarely stays surprise. It tips into delight when the unexpected thing is welcome, into fear when it looks dangerous, and into confusion when the new information does not fit together. Noticing which way you are tipping, and how fast, is often more useful than the surprise itself.

Example: the reorg announcement

During a Monday meeting, Kofi learns his team is being merged with another department. His first impulse is to fire off a message to his manager: “Why am I hearing this with everyone else?” He waits ten minutes instead and writes: “That was a surprise. I'd like to understand what changes for my projects. Do you have twenty minutes this week?” He still has feelings about how it was announced, and he can raise them later. First he gets facts.

Three steps when something catches you off guard

1. Give it a beat. Say “Give me a second” or just breathe once before responding. The first reaction to surprise is often louder than your considered one.
2. Ask what you expected and what actually happened. Naming the gap makes the next question obvious.
3. Decide where the surprise is tipping (toward delight, worry, or confusion) and respond to that feeling, with a question if you need more information.

Words you could use

• “Wow, I did not see that coming. Give me a second to take it in.”
• “That's a surprise. What changed?”
• “Okay, that's not what I expected. Can you walk me through it?”

A reflection prompt

When something catches me off guard, do I tend to react in the first second or wait until I know what it means?

The EQTiger dimension it relates to

Surprise links to Emotional Regulation because the space between the jolt and your response is where you choose whether to snap, freeze, or ask a question. Read what the regulation score describes.