How to stop overthinking

Replaying something versus working it out

Psychologists separate these two on purpose. Across four studies, a common measure of self-focus turned out to contain two unrelated habits, rumination and reflection, which helps explain why thinking about yourself sometimes brings insight and sometimes only brings distress. (Trapnell and Campbell, 1999) The glossary entry on rumination has the short definition, and self-awareness versus overthinking helps you tell which one you are doing right now.

The loop has costs beyond lost sleep. A major review concluded that repetitively dwelling on distress worsens low mood, sharpens negative thinking, gets in the way of solving problems and erodes social support. (Nolen-Hoeksema and colleagues, 2008) That review centered on depression, so read it as a risk worth taking seriously, not a forecast for everyone who replays a meeting.

Watch the scene from across the room

The fastest change is the angle. When you replay an event, you usually see it through your own eyes again, with the heat still on. Try watching it as if from the far side of the room, or talking to yourself by name the way a coach would.

In two experiments where people recalled something that had made them angry, those who asked why they felt that way from a distanced viewpoint reflected with less renewed anger than those who relived it from the inside. (Kross and colleagues, 2005) A later set of seven studies found that people who used their own name or “you” instead of “I” while preparing for a stressful social task felt less distressed and were rated by observers as performing better. (Kross and colleagues, 2014) Both were lab tasks, mostly with students, so they show the technique can help in the moment rather than what it does over months.

Ayduk and Kross argue that this distanced view is what lets an attempt to understand a painful event become reflection instead of rumination. (Ayduk and Kross, 2010) The glossary entry on self-distancing explains the idea in a paragraph.

Give the worry a 30-minute appointment

Overthinking expands to fill whatever time it is allowed, so allow it less, on purpose. In a small trial with 53 adults who worried heavily, those assigned to a daily 30-minute worry period, held at the same time and place, reduced their worry, anxiety and insomnia more over two weeks than those told only not to avoid their worries. (McGowan and Behar, 2013) The authors called the study preliminary, and it ran for two weeks, so think of it as a promising routine rather than a cure.

Every loop needs a decision, an action or a parking spot

Most loops are about one of three things: a decision you haven’t made, an action you haven’t taken, or something that can’t be changed. Each has a different exit.

• A decision. Set a deadline and a default. “I’ll decide about the job offer by Friday at noon. If I still can’t, the answer is no.” A decision that won’t settle often means both options are acceptable.
• An action. Shrink it until you could do it tomorrow before work. If the loop is about whether a friend is upset with you, the action is one text: “Hey, I felt off at dinner. Are we good?”
• Something that can’t be changed. Say so plainly, once: “The meeting happened. I can’t edit it.” If the thought comes back, send it to the worry slot.

If the replay is about a hard conversation that already happened, recovering after a difficult conversation walks through the next morning. If most of your loops are about a partner, like what a short text meant or whether they are losing interest, overthinking in a relationship deals with that version.

The 2 a.m. version

At night the advice changes, because solving problems while half asleep tends to go badly. The goal at 2 a.m. is getting your mind onto something neutral until morning.

• Write the loop on paper in one sentence, put the paper outside the bedroom door, and tell yourself it is now on tomorrow’s list.
• Give your attention a task that is absorbing but dull: name a city for every letter of the alphabet, or count backward from 300 by sevens.
• If you have been awake for what feels like twenty minutes, get up, sit somewhere dim and read something boring until you feel sleepy again.

Distraction is a short-term tool, and a good one. The same review that described the costs of rumination reported that dozens of experiments show positive distraction relieves low mood in the short term. (Nolen-Hoeksema and colleagues, 2008) It buys you the night. The worry slot and the decision rule deal with the problem in daylight.

When the loops are bigger than a bad night

Everyone overthinks sometimes. It is worth talking to a doctor or a licensed therapist if the loops fill most of your days for weeks, if you regularly can’t sleep because of them, if they keep you from work or from seeing people, or if they come with panic. Worry of that size deserves real help, and a longer list of tips won’t replace it.

Checking whether any of this is working

Give it two weeks. Keep a tally on your phone: one mark for each night you lay awake replaying something, and one for each time you sent a worry to the 5:30 slot instead of chasing it. If the first number falls, keep going. If it doesn’t move, try a different angle from the regulation techniques ranked by evidence, or get help. The regulation questions in the free EQTiger assessment ask about habits like waiting before you reply, which is one way to see where your loops tend to start.