Self-distancing: definition and example
Self-distancing is reflecting on your own experience from an outside observer's point of view, for example asking "Why is Jordan so upset?" instead of "Why am I so upset?" when replaying a hard day. Research suggests this small shift can help people think about painful events with less distress.
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What research found
Ayduk and Kross reviewed studies suggesting that reflecting on a painful experience from a self-distanced, observer's view helps people make sense of it, while an immersed first-person replay tends to feed rumination (Ayduk and Kross, 2010). In later work, Kross and colleagues found across seven studies that using your own name or non-first-person pronouns while thinking about yourself increased self-distancing, and people who did so performed better and showed less distress during stressful tasks such as public speaking (Kross and colleagues, 2014). Most participants were students in lab settings.
How to try it
Before a hard conversation, think or write in the second or third person: "Okay, Sam, you are nervous because you care about this. What does Sam actually need to say in the first minute?" Or picture the scene from a fly on the wall. The question shifts from "Why do I always feel this way?" to "What is going on for this person, and what would help?"
Small ways to create distance
Imagine advising a friend in your exact situation. Picture how you will see this a year from now. Write about it as if describing someone else. Each is a way to step slightly outside the moment so the question changes from "Why me?" to "What would help here?"
Limits
Self-distancing is a way to reflect, not a way to stop feeling. It works best for making sense of an event, not for avoiding one that needs action. Compare rumination, the loop it can help you leave, and cognitive reappraisal, which works on the meaning you give an event.
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Research notes
- Özlem Ayduk, Ethan Kross (2010). Analyzing Negative Experiences Without Ruminating: The Role of Self-Distancing in Enabling Adaptive Self-Reflection. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 4(10), 841-854. Reviews research suggesting that reflecting on a painful experience from a self-distanced, observer's view helps people make sense of it, while replaying it from an immersed first-person view tends to feed rumination. doi.org/10.1111/j.1751-9004.2010.00301.x
- Ethan Kross, Emma Bruehlman-Senecal, Jiyoung Park, Aleah Burson, Adrienne Dougherty, Holly Shablack, Ryan Bremner, Jason Moser, Ozlem Ayduk (2014). Self-talk as a regulatory mechanism: How you do it matters. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Across seven studies (total N = 585), using non-first-person pronouns and one's own name during introspection increased self-distancing, and people who did so performed better and showed less distress under social stress such as public speaking. Limits: lab studies, largely with students. doi.org/10.1037/a0035173
Related
- No. 01EQ glossaryThe words behind emotional intelligence, defined.
- No. 02RuminationRumination is repeatedly and passively dwelling on your distress, its causes, and its consequences, without moving toward a solution.
- No. 03Cognitive reappraisalCognitive reappraisal is changing how you interpret a situation so that its emotional impact changes, for example reading a terse email as rushed rather than hostile.
- No. 04Emotion regulationEmotion regulation is how people influence which emotions they have, when they have them, and how they experience and express them.
- No. 05AngerA sense that something is wrong or unfair
- No. 06Emotional Intelligence Test: Free EQ AssessmentExplore your emotional choices with a free 36-item assessment for adults. Get a profile summary and strongest area, then choose whether to unlock the full report.
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