How to stop crying when you’re upset

Why the tears show up when you’re angry, not just sad

Tears aren’t reserved for sadness. Anger at being treated unfairly, the helplessness of being criticized in front of others, or relief when a long strain finally ends can all bring it on. People who cry in arguments often say the tears arrive exactly when they most want to look composed, because that is when the pressure peaks.

Researchers who study crying separate two kinds of calming. Some may come from the crying itself, through slower breathing and a shift toward the body’s resting state once the sobbing settles; some comes from the people around you responding kindly. Lab studies usually find mood gets worse right after crying, and the authors suspect the relief takes several minutes to arrive, which is why it rarely feels useful mid-meeting. (Gračanin and colleagues, 2014) In a survey of more than 5,000 students across 35 countries, crying was more likely to bring relief when the person got support, saw the problem resolved or understood it in a new way, and less likely when they fought the tears or felt ashamed of them. (Bylsma and colleagues, 2008) Both point the same way: tears are not the enemy, but the boardroom is a bad place to have them.

Turning the tears down in the moment

The breathing step has the most behind it. A systematic review found that slowing breathing below about ten breaths a minute went with more relaxation and less anxiety and anger in healthy adults, though only 15 studies qualified. (Zaccaro and colleagues, 2018) In a month-long trial with 108 adults, five minutes a day of breathing that emphasized long exhales improved mood more than mindfulness meditation, but there was no group that did nothing. (Balban and colleagues, 2023) Naming the feeling is a lighter touch; a review of affect-labeling research argues that putting feelings into words calms the body in a way that resembles reappraisal. (Torre and Lieberman, 2018)

The popular tricks (pinching the skin between your thumb and finger, pressing your tongue to the roof of your mouth, looking up at the ceiling) have no research we could find behind them. Some people swear by one of them. If one works for you, it is probably working by giving your attention a physical job, so use it.

Lines that let you keep talking through tears

The most freeing discovery for many people who cry easily is that they can name the tears and carry on. Pretending they aren’t happening takes a lot of effort and usually fails anyway.

If the tears come during a fight at home, a planned break works better than pushing through. How to call a time-out mid-argument has wording that makes it clear you are coming back.

Getting ready for the meetings you can see coming

Annual reviews, the talk with your landlord, telling a friend she hurt you: when you know the moment is coming, most of the work happens beforehand.

• Write your point down. Two or three sentences on an index card or your phone. If your voice goes, you can still read it.
• Rehearse the hardest sentence out loud. Saying it three times at home takes some of the charge out of it before you say it for real.
• Decide your exit line in advance. Knowing you can say “give me two minutes” makes you less likely to need it.
• Sleep and eat first. Tears come faster when you’re running on four hours and a coffee.
• Ask for the format that suits you. “Could you send the main points before we meet?” is a reasonable request for a review, and it takes the surprise out.

For feedback specifically, the guide to giving and receiving feedback at work covers how to take criticism without defending every point, which also tends to lower the pressure that brings tears on.

Things that make crying more likely

• Fighting the tears with all your strength. Clenching against them keeps your attention fixed on them. Breathing and naming work better than bracing.
• Apologizing over and over. One “sorry, give me a second” is plenty. Repeated apologies keep the spotlight on the tears instead of your point.
• Making hiding your default. In correlational studies, people who habitually suppressed their emotions reported more negative emotion, fewer positive feelings and weaker social ties than people who habitually reframed situations. (Gross and John, 2003) Holding back for a meeting is fine; holding back for months is a different thing.
• Reading tears as proof you’re wrong. Crying in an argument says something about how much the argument matters to you. It says nothing about who is right.

When crying is a sign of something bigger

Crying easily is a trait for some people and nothing more. It is worth talking to a doctor or therapist if you cry most days, if small things set you off when they didn’t before, if the tears come with feeling hopeless, numb or exhausted, or if you are avoiding work or people because of it. Those can be signs of depression, anxiety or burnout, all of which respond to treatment.

If you are wondering whether crying easily means something about your emotional skills, does crying mean low EQ answers that directly. The broader guide to controlling your emotions in the moment covers anger and anxiety as well as tears, and what to do when you’re emotionally overwhelmed helps when everything hits at once. The free EQ test includes regulation questions that show how you tend to handle strong feelings under pressure.