Serenity: what it means and how to respond

Peace with perspective

Serenity is the feeling of an early morning by a lake, or of an older relative who has been through a lot and no longer gets rattled by small things. It is less a reaction to one moment than a background state. Problems still exist, but they do not seem to grab you by the collar.

People often link serenity with acceptance of what they cannot change, faith or philosophy, time in nature, or long practice of something like meditation or prayer. It tends to build slowly.

How serenity can feel

Serenity often feels spacious: slow breathing, relaxed face, a sense that time is not pressing. Some people describe a lightness, others a groundedness, as if they were heavier in a good way. It is usually gentle rather than intense, and many people only notice it in contrast, when it is interrupted.

Distance helps

One ingredient of serenity is perspective on your own life. Ayduk and Kross review research suggesting that reflecting on a painful experience from a self-distanced, observer's view helps people make sense of it, while replaying it from an immersed first-person view tends to feed rumination (Ayduk and Kross, 2010). Serenity is not the same as self-distancing, but stepping back to see the larger shape of a situation is one of the routes people use to reach it.

Serenity can signal that you have made some peace with uncertainty. It can also be faked: a tight, performed peacefulness that is really avoidance. The difference often shows when something difficult comes up. Real serenity can look at it; the performed version changes the subject.

Serenity, calm, and acceptance

Calm can arrive and leave within an afternoon; serenity is steadier and broader. Acceptance is a stance toward a specific reality, and it often comes before serenity. Contentment is satisfaction with how things are; serenity can exist even when you are not satisfied, because it rests on perspective rather than circumstances.

Example: the gardener and the frost

Ellen has tended her vegetable garden for twenty years. An early frost kills half her tomatoes overnight. Her neighbor, new to gardening, is furious about his own losses. Ellen says, “It happens every few years. I'll pull them, make green tomato chutney, and plant earlier next spring.” She is disappointed, and she says so, but the loss sits inside a much longer view of seasons.

Three ways to make room for serenity

1. Zoom out on purpose. Ask how this situation will look in a year, or how someone who loves you would describe it from the outside.
2. Spend regular time somewhere unhurried, such as a park, a place of worship, or a quiet room, without a task attached.
3. Practice letting small things pass. Pick one minor annoyance a day to notice and deliberately not act on.

Words you could use

• “It happens. I'm disappointed, but it isn't the end of the world.”
• “I'd like to sit here for a while without doing anything.”
• “A year from now, I don't think this will matter much.”

A reflection prompt

Where do I find a longer view of my life, and how often do I actually go there?

The EQTiger dimension it relates to

Serenity connects to Emotional Self-Awareness: knowing what restores your perspective and noticing the difference between real peace and avoidance. Read what the self-awareness score describes.