Compassion: what it means and how to respond

Care that points outward

Compassion is what you feel when a coworker gets a hard phone call and you want to bring them tea, or when you see a stranger struggling with a stroller on the subway stairs and step in. You register their pain, and the main pull is toward them: to comfort, help, or simply stay.

What compassion can feel like

People describe a softening in the chest, a warmth, sometimes sadness mixed with steadiness. It tends to feel more open and energized than crushing. If you find yourself dreading the other person's pain or wanting to escape it, you may be sliding toward distress rather than compassion.

Compassion can also be aimed at yourself. Talking to yourself after a mistake the way you would talk to a friend who made the same mistake, firmly but kindly, is a form of the same feeling. The glossary entry on self-compassion explains how researchers describe it.

Compassion versus empathic distress

Singer and Klimecki distinguish two reactions to someone else's suffering: empathic distress, a self-focused negative state linked to withdrawal, and compassion, a warm, other-focused state linked to wanting to help (Singer and Klimecki, 2014). Their review also describes early evidence that compassion can be trained. That distinction matters most for people who care for others every day: nurses, parents, teachers, friends supporting someone through a long illness.

Compassion does not require fixing. Sometimes the most compassionate response is to sit with someone and say nothing clever.

Compassion, empathy distress, and tenderness

Empathy distress is feeling someone's pain so intensely that you need to protect yourself from it. Tenderness is gentle protectiveness, often toward someone small or vulnerable. Love involves ongoing attachment; compassion can be felt for a stranger you will never see again. You can read more about the underlying skill in empathic concern.

Example: the friend after the breakup

Nadia's friend calls crying after a breakup. Nadia's first instinct is to list everything wrong with the ex. Instead she says, “I'm so sorry. Do you want me to come over, or do you want to talk on the phone for a while?” Her friend asks her to come over. They watch a bad movie and talk in bits. Nadia does not solve anything. Her friend later says it was the first night she slept.

Three steps to offer compassion

1. Notice the suffering and name it simply: “That sounds really hard.” Skip comparisons to your own experiences for now.
2. Ask what would help rather than guessing: company, practical help, distraction, or space.
3. Look after your own reserves. If you notice dread or exhaustion building, take a break so your care can stay warm instead of turning into distress.

Words you could use

• “I'm so sorry. Do you want company or would you rather talk on the phone?”
• “You don't have to explain anything. I'm here.”
• “Can I drop off dinner tomorrow, or would that be too much?”

A reflection prompt

When someone I care about is hurting, do I lean toward them, toward fixing, or away from the discomfort?

The EQTiger dimension it relates to

Compassion relates to Empathy and Perspective-Taking: understanding someone's pain while staying steady enough to help. Read what the empathy score describes.