How to have the "where is this going" conversation

EQTiger Editorial · Sources checked 2026-10-26 · Expert review pending · More words for hard moments

Why this one question feels so risky

People have been dodging this exact conversation for a long time. In ninety interviews about topics people steered around with a dating partner, the communication researchers Leslie Baxter and William Wilmot found that the state of the relationship was the most widespread off-limits subject of the six kinds they identified, and people described relationship talk as risky, pointless or likely to damage the thing they were talking about (Baxter and Wilmot, 1985). That was 1985, and only opposite-sex couples, but the instinct is familiar to anyone who has rehearsed "so... what are we?" in the shower.

Timing makes it harder. Uncertainty seems to peak in the middle stretch, when you care enough to have something to lose and know too little to feel settled. Among 328 people in relationships, the uncertainty a hypothetical upsetting event produced was highest at moderate levels of closeness, though the effect was small (Knobloch and Solomon, 2002). A related survey of 216 people found the same curve for avoidance: people steered around the most topics at middling intimacy, and the less sure they were of the relationship, the more they avoided (Knobloch and Carpenter-Theune, 2004). Both were one-time snapshots, so they cannot say which comes first. Together they suggest that the weeks when you most need this conversation are the weeks you are most tempted to skip it.

Pick the question you actually mean

"Where is this going?" bundles several different questions. Asking one of them is easier on both of you, and the answer is easier to read.

Go first: lines that say where you stand

The habit that helps most is stating your own position before you ask for theirs. A bare question ("So what are we doing?") makes the other person guess what you want and answer the guess. A question with your position attached gives them something fixed to respond to.

I like this a lot. I'm not seeing anyone else and I don't want to be. Where are you?

I'm not in a hurry to put a label on it. I just want to know if we're both only doing this.

I should be honest about what I'm looking for, which is a relationship, not something casual. I'd rather find out now if that's not where you are.

This doesn't have to be a big talk. I'd just like to stop guessing.

Going first costs something, because you might learn they are not where you are. That cost is the reason to do it. You find out in week ten instead of month ten.

Chiara and Rui, eleven weeks in

Chiara and Rui have been out maybe twenty times. He has met two of her friends; she has not met any of his. On a Sunday walk to the farmers market, she decides to ask.

The version she rehearsed and dropped: "So, um, what are we doing? Like, what is this?"

Rui would probably laugh, say "Having a nice time?" and the moment would pass. Not because he is dodging, but because the question gives him nothing to answer.

The version she used: "Can I ask you something kind of direct? I stopped seeing other people about a month ago. I'm not asking you to match me today. I'd just like to know where you're at."

Rui is quiet for a few steps. "I haven't been seeing anyone else either. I guess I didn't know if we were saying that out loud yet."

Not every walk ends that well. The point is that her second question could be answered, and the first could only be joked about.

Where and when to bring it up

• A calm, unhurried moment. A walk, weekend coffee, the drive home from somewhere pleasant. Not right before their work deadline, not in bed afterward, not three drinks in.
• Voice over text. A text can set it up ("Can we talk about us this weekend? Nothing bad."), but the talk itself goes better when you can hear each other. The page on whether serious conversations can happen over text covers the exceptions, such as long distance.
• Ten minutes, not an evening. You are asking one question and hearing one answer. If it grows into a long talk, fine, but do not plan a summit.
• No correct week. Ask when not knowing has started to cost you something: sleep, turned-down dates, rereading their messages at midnight. If you are decoding their replies every night, what mixed signals usually mean is the other half of this page.

What each answer usually means, and what to say back

Two rows deserve a closer look. "Not ready for labels" often means exactly that, and sometimes it means "not with you." The sentence will not tell you which; the next two months will. And asking for time to think is reasonable once. If "let me think" becomes the standing reply, it has turned into the answer.

When the answer is "not yet" or "I don't know"

Now there is a decision to make, and it is yours. Some people are content to keep dating without exclusivity for a while. Some are not. Neither is wrong, but pretending to be fine with an arrangement you dislike tends to come out later as resentment or phone-checking.

How sure you feel of the other person's commitment matters more than it sounds. Across 43 longitudinal couples datasets pooled in one analysis, how committed people believed their partner to be was the strongest relationship-specific predictor of how good they felt about the relationship (Joel and colleagues, 2020). Those were established couples rating their own feelings, so it says nothing direct about week ten. It does suggest that "I'll just live with not knowing" is a harder plan than it looks. If the not-knowing has already lasted many months, the page on dating someone who won't commit is about that longer stretch.

If you choose to wait, give the wait a shape:

I'm okay not deciding today. Can we check in again after the holidays? If you still don't know by then, I think I'll want to step back.

That is not a threat. You are telling them your own timeline so it does not arrive as a surprise later.

Asking once versus pushing

You get to ask once, plainly, and you get to act on the answer. Pressure looks different: asking the same question every few days, arguing with the reply, or treating "not yet" as a debt. If someone is pushing you to commit faster than you want, you can say so just as plainly: "I like you. I'm not going to decide this by Friday."

And if raising the question got you anger, days of cold punishment, or the sense that you had to word things carefully to avoid setting them off, rephrasing will not help. Notice it this early, when leaving is easiest, and talk it over with someone outside the relationship. The page on red flags early in dating separates those behaviors from ordinary mismatch.

If it goes well

Then you are a couple, or exclusive, or whatever word the two of you settled on, and a new set of firsts begins. One of them is usually the first real fight. If you still feel uneasy after hearing a clear yes, there is wording for asking for reassurance without it sounding like an accusation. For the rest of the early months, the dating and new relationships guide maps the pillar.

Start with the free EQTiger assessment (adults 18+), or go back to the Relationship Center.