How do I tell my parents we're not spending the holiday with them?

EQTiger Editorial · Sources checked 2026-10-26 · Expert review pending · More words for hard moments

Agree on the split first, in one sitting

The call to your parents goes better when there is nothing left to decide on it. Sit down with your partner for twenty minutes, sometime in October for winter holidays, and settle four things:

1. The plan itself, with dates. "Thanksgiving with my parents, Christmas Eve and morning at home, Christmas dinner with yours" is a plan. "We'll see" is not.
2. The pattern. Is this an every-other-year swap, a one-off because of the new baby, or the new normal?
3. Who calls whom. Each of you calls your own parents. A son- or daughter-in-law delivering this news is far more likely to be blamed for it.
4. When. The same week for both families, so nobody hears it from a cousin first.

Write the plan in one sentence on your phone. You will be glad to have the exact wording when your mother goes quiet.

Make it a phone call

A group text is tempting because it avoids hearing the disappointment. It also tends to make the news land harder, because tone disappears and a quiet parent can spend a day imagining the worst. In experiments where people reconnected with an old friend by phone or email, or chatted with strangers by voice or text, voice conversations created stronger feelings of connection and were not more awkward, even though people expected them to be (Kumar and Epley, 2021). Those studies did not involve holiday news, but the lesson travels: the call you are dreading is likely to go better than you expect, and better than the text.

Pick a moment when your parent is not rushing out the door, and ask first: "Do you have ten minutes? I want to talk about the holidays."

The first sentence: the plan, plainly

Most people warm up for a long time before delivering news like this, telling their parent how much they love Christmas at home and how hard the decision was. By the time the plan arrives, the parent has already guessed it and feels managed. Research on mixed news suggests the people receiving it usually want the bad part first: in one set of studies, people delivering news preferred to start with the good, recipients mostly preferred to start with the bad, and hearing the bad news first left recipients less worried (Legg and Sweeny, 2014). Those were lab studies, not family conversations, so treat the finding as a guide rather than a rule. It still points to a clear shape: plan first, warmth second.

Lines for the most common splits:

Alternating years:

Mom, this year we're spending Christmas with Jordan's family. Next year it's your turn, and we're already looking forward to it.

Splitting the day:

We're going to do Thanksgiving lunch at home and come to you for pie and the evening. We'll be there by five.

Staying home, just the two of you (or with your kids):

We've decided to stay home for Christmas this year. We need one quiet one. We want to see you the weekend after, if that works.

A first holiday with a baby:

With the baby so small, we're not traveling this Thanksgiving. We'd love for you to come here, or we can do a long video call while she naps.

Your first married holiday:

This is our first Christmas married, and we've decided to start a tradition of our own on Christmas morning. We'll come to you for dinner.

Then stop and let them respond. The pause will feel long. Do not fill it with reasons.

Offer something they can look forward to

Holidays carry more weight for parents than a calendar date. A review of 32 publications spanning fifty years of research on family routines and rituals separated routines, the practical habits of a household, from rituals, the shared events that stand for the family as a group, and found both linked with parenting, children's adjustment and marital satisfaction (Fiese and colleagues, 2002). The studies it covered leaned on convenience samples and mostly concerned families raising children, but it helps explain why "we're not coming" can sound to a parent like "we're leaving the tradition." The best answer is to offer a piece of the tradition back, specifically:

Could we do your tamales on the 20th instead? I want the kids to learn to make them with you.

We'll call on Christmas morning while the kids open your presents, so you can see their faces.

Can we keep the Friday-after-Thanksgiving hike? That's my favorite part anyway.

An offer only helps if it is real and you intend to keep it. Put the date on the calendar during the call.

When they push back

Expect one round of disappointment. It is a sign that they love having you, not proof that you have made a mistake. Answer the feeling, then repeat the plan in fewer words than the first time.

The line about Jordan matters most. If a parent senses the decision belongs to the in-law, the resentment lands on someone who is not on the call. Saying "we decided" closes that door before it opens.

If the call starts to spiral, end it kindly: "I don't want us to fight about this. Let's talk again on Sunday, after you've had a chance to sit with it." Then call on Sunday.

The text you send afterward

A short follow-up message the same day helps more than another call. Keep it warm and concrete:

Thanks for hearing me out today. I know it's not what you hoped for. Looking forward to the 28th, and I'll bring the good cheese.

If guilt hits hard after you hang up, the page on saying no to family without guilt covers that hour.

Telling the other side of the family

Your partner makes the same call to their parents, ideally the same day. The good news for one family is still news, so it deserves the same care:

Dad, we're coming to you for Christmas this year. We'll be there the 23rd to the 26th. We're spending Thanksgiving with Mia's family.

Mentioning the other half of the plan is worth the extra sentence. Parents who hear only the good news sometimes take it as a sign that they have "won," and that can make next year's swap harder to announce.

If your partner keeps putting off this call, or hands the job back to you, the page on a partner who won't stand up to their parents is about that pattern.

If one family reacts much worse than the other and the two of you end up arguing about whose parents are more difficult, the page on in-law tension as a couple helps with that loyalty question. For the visit itself, handling family conflict over the holidays has a plan for the table and the drive home, and setting a boundary with family covers parents who keep relitigating the decision every year.