How to talk with your partner about what counts as cheating

EQTiger Editorial · Sources checked 2026-10-26 · Expert review pending · More words for hard moments

Why two people who love each other give different answers

Most couples assume they agree on what cheating is until a specific case comes up: a coworker who texts at 11 pm, a dating app nobody deleted, a long late-night call with an ex. Then it turns out each person was carrying a different rulebook.

That is ordinary, and research backs it up. When seven experienced couple counselors were interviewed about infidelity, their own definitions conflicted with each other, and they described clients whose definitions conflicted too (Moller and Vossler, 2015). When researchers built a scale of dating behaviors people might count as infidelity, the items fell into three groups they labeled ambiguous, deceptive and explicit, and men and women rated them differently (Wilson and colleagues, 2011). In everyday terms, a lunch with someone you find attractive is ambiguous, hiding a conversation is deceptive, and sex is explicit. You can probably guess which group starts the most arguments.

So the talk is not about catching anyone out. It is about finding where your two rulebooks differ before a real situation finds it for you.

Openers for the moment you are in

A few months in, when things are getting serious

This is maybe a weird thing to bring up, but I'd rather do it now than find out the hard way. What counts as cheating for you? Like, actually where's the line?

Asking early, while nothing has happened, is the easiest version of this conversation you will ever get.

After something made one of you uneasy

Hugo and Nils, together four years, hit this when Nils found out Hugo still messaged a man he had dated in college, every week or two, mostly jokes. Hugo saw nothing wrong with it. Nils had spent a week pretending he didn't mind. Here is how Nils eventually opened it:

I've been weird about the messages with Daniel, and I'd rather say why than keep being weird. I'm not saying you did anything wrong. I think we just have different lines and we've never talked about them.

The second sentence lowers the temperature. Nils makes it about two rulebooks, not about a verdict on Hugo. If you need help with the opening minute of a talk like this, how to start a hard conversation covers timing and the first sentence.

After years together, when something has changed

We set our rules about this when we were twenty-four and nobody had Instagram. I think it's worth checking we still agree.

New jobs, apps, travel and old friends reappearing all shift what comes up day to day. A long relationship can need this talk more than a new one.

When your partner calls something cheating and you don't

I didn't think of it as cheating, but I can see it hurt you, and that matters more than whose definition is right. Can you tell me what it felt like from your side?

Arguing the definition first ("technically nothing happened") tends to sound like a defense lawyer. Hearing the hurt first does not mean agreeing you cheated.

The list: fine, tell me first, or not okay

Each of you takes a copy of this list and marks every line on your own, without talking. Then compare. The three answers matter more than any definition: fine means no need to mention it, tell me first means it's okay if you say so beforehand, not okay means don't.

Add anything specific to your life: a work trip, a close friend you once dated, a gaming friend you talk to most nights. Notice that "deleting a conversation" sits in a different place from the others. In the scale study above, deceptive behaviors formed a group of their own, separate from the ambiguous ones (Wilson and colleagues, 2011), and many couples find the hiding is what they mind most.

The question that keeps the rules fair

Ask it about every line you mark "not okay": would I be fine if you did exactly this?

It is harder than it sounds. In an online study of 810 adults, people judged their own hypothetical behavior more permissively than the same behavior by a partner, though only for emotional or affectionate acts and for online and technology behaviors, not for sexual ones. Many had also done things they themselves rated as infidelity (Thompson and O'Sullivan, 2016). One survey can't tell you what your partner thinks, but it does explain why your first answers on the gray items are likely to be easier on yourself.

Any rule you agree to has to bind both of you. A line that only one person keeps is a restriction, and restrictions get resented.

When your answers don't match

You will probably disagree on two or three lines. That is the conversation working, not failing. Useful lines when it happens:

Okay, that surprised me. What would it feel like for you if I did that?

I don't think I can promise "never," but I can promise to tell you first. Would that be enough?

Can we try it your way for a couple of months and see how we both feel?

Less useful:

That's insane. Nobody thinks that's cheating.

So you don't trust me.

Most disagreements land on "tell me first," which costs the person doing the thing very little and gives the other person the one thing they wanted: no surprises. If your partner's answers seem driven by a fear from a previous relationship, trust issues carried over from a past relationship may help you both understand where the line comes from. If you are the one who feels the pang, what to say when you feel jealous gives you words that don't sound like an accusation.

Write it down, and check it once a year

When you're done, write five or six sentences you both agree on and keep them somewhere you can find. "Messages with exes are fine; we mention them. No dating apps, including just looking. Work trips: text when you're back at the hotel." Look at it again once a year, or when something big changes. For the day-to-day agreements that keep ordinary jealousy from turning into a loop, such as location sharing and late-night texts, see how jealousy works between partners and the agreements that calm it.

If one of these lines has already been crossed, the conversation is a different one; rebuilding trust after cheating starts there.

Where agreed lines turn into control

This conversation assumes two people setting rules for each other with equal say. It stops being that when one person writes all the rules, when the rules only bind one of you, or when "what counts as cheating" grows to cover having friends, going out without permission or keeping your phone private. That is control, and a better-worded talk will not fix it. If you are afraid of how your partner will react to your answers, start with hard situations and safety instead. The rest of the trust pages are in the trust and security section.

Start with the free EQTiger assessment (adults 18+), or go back to the Relationship Center.