Is this a perpetual problem? Sort one argument in seven questions

EQTiger Editorial · Sources checked 2026-10-26 · Expert review pending · More interactive tools

What the seven questions are sorting

Four of the questions ask about the problem itself: how long it has been around, whether it is about a situation or about who you are, whether agreements have held, and whether one decision could end it. Those four push the answer toward "solvable" or "perpetual."

Two questions ask about the conversations rather than the problem: what happens when it comes up, and whether you each understand what the other person's position means to them. Those decide whether a perpetual problem is still workable or has become stuck.

The last question is about fear. It sits there because the solvable-versus-perpetual idea assumes two people who are safe with each other. If you answer yes or "not sure," the sorter stops and points you to safety resources instead of conflict advice, because no amount of better problem-solving fixes being controlled or threatened.

Where the distinction comes from, and how solid it is

The split between solvable and perpetual problems comes from John Gottman's clinical work. The Gottman Institute describes perpetual problems as ones rooted in lasting differences in personality or lifestyle needs, says all couples have them, and argues that what matters is whether a couple can keep talking about them with some humor and affection rather than whether they solve them (Fulwiler, The Gottman Institute, 2012). The same page states that 69 percent of relationship conflict is about perpetual problems. It does not cite the study behind that number, and we could not find one, so we do not use it as a statistic.

Some of the underlying idea has independent support. Communication researchers who study "serial arguments," the ones couples have again and again, surveyed people in dating relationships and found that how resolvable people thought their recurring argument was predicted relationship quality better than how often they had it (Johnson and Roloff, 1998). Mulling the argument over between rounds and withdrawing after it went with seeing it as less resolvable. That was a one-time survey of one partner, so it cannot show cause.

Couple therapy research supports the second half, the idea that some differences call for acceptance rather than change. In a randomized trial with 134 seriously and chronically distressed married couples, a therapy that combines change techniques with acceptance work produced steady gains in satisfaction, while a change-focused therapy improved faster early on and then leveled off (Christensen and colleagues, 2004). An analysis of the same trial found that early improvements tracked changes in behavior, while later improvements tracked emotional acceptance of the partner's behavior (Doss and colleagues, 2005). Those were couples in therapy, not a general sample, but the pattern fits: you can change some things, and for others, accepting them is what moves the relationship.

What has not been tested is a quiz like this one. The questions are our editorial attempt to turn those ideas into something you can use in five minutes. Read the result as a starting point for a conversation.

What each result asks you to do

For the solvable kind, bringing up a recurring problem without the same fight gives you the words for the request. For the perpetual kinds, living with problems you will never fully solve has questions that open a stuck topic and examples of arrangements couples use.

Try it as a pair

The sorter is more useful when both of you answer separately about the same argument. Do it on two phones, or one after the other without looking. Then compare the answers, not the results.

The places where you disagree are often the interesting part. If one of you says "a specific situation" and the other says "who we are," you have found why the fights feel so different from each side. Someone saying "it escalates fast" while the other says "we can talk about it" usually means one of you is more upset by these talks than the other has noticed. That gap is worth talking about on its own, and the explainer on the demand-withdraw pattern may describe what is happening when one of you pushes and the other pulls away.

Some questions to ask each other afterward:

"You said it's been going on for years. When do you think it started?"

"I put 'a habit' and you put 'who we are.' What makes it feel bigger than a habit to you?"

"If we never fully solved this, what would make it bearable?"

If the same argument has been stuck for years and both of you are worn out by it, a licensed couples therapist can help in a way a quiz cannot. The conflict and repair guide lists the other pages in this pillar.