Should I get back together with my ex?

EQTiger Editorial · Sources checked 2026-10-26 · Expert review pending

How often couples reunite, and how it tends to go

Plenty of people have stood exactly where you are. Researchers have studied breakup-and-reunion relationships under the names "on-again, off-again" and "churning," and the numbers are not small.

Read the pattern carefully. None of these studies shows that reuniting causes trouble. Couples who break up were probably having a harder time to begin with, so some of the gap was likely there before the first breakup. What the research does show is that a reunion on its own does not reset a relationship, and that relationships with many rounds of breaking up tend to be the shakiest (Dailey and colleagues, 2009).

Why exes drift back

When researchers asked on-off partners why they had broken up and why they had gotten back together, a few explanations came up again and again (Dailey, Rossetto, Pfiester, and Surra, 2009). People went back after disappointing experiences with someone new, when the relationship seemed to offer more and cost less after the breakup than it had before, when they had stayed in contact after the breakup, and when they had never been quite sure the breakup was final. The researchers' reading was that, for these couples, a breakup was less an ending than a redefinition of the relationship.

Here is what each pull tends to sound like at eleven at night:

None of these pulls is a bad reason to wonder. Each one is a weak reason to decide.

What ended it, and what is different now

Lonnie and Briony split two years ago when Briony took a job in Denver and neither wanted long distance. Now Briony is moving back to Chicago, both are single, and they have had dinner twice. The thing that ended their relationship was a plane ticket, and it is gone.

Dagny and Rasmus are on their third breakup. Each time it ends the same way: he makes plans with his friends without telling her, she stops replying, he shows up at her door with flowers and a promise. Each reunion feels like relief. Nothing about the plans or the silence has changed.

The difference between those two couples is the most useful question on this page. Name, in one sentence, the real reason the relationship ended. Then ask what would have to be true for it not to happen again, and whether that is true now.

If you cannot fill in the middle column, you are probably looking at a cycle rather than a second chance.

Signs you are in a cycle

In one study of on-off partners, the people who were still cycling, rather than settled together or firmly apart, reported moderate levels of most things along with greater uncertainty, an ambivalent picture of the relationship (Dailey, Middleton, and Green, 2012). Uncertainty, stress, positive feelings and the number of past renewals were the measures that best told the groups apart. In the national sample above, people who had already cycled also felt more constrained, meaning more things stood in the way of ending the relationship for good (Vennum and colleagues, 2014).

Some signs you are in that pattern:

• You have broken up and reunited more than twice over the same issue.
• The reunions start with an intense apology and a few great weeks, and the old problem returns within a month or two.
• Friends who used to be happy for you have gone quiet.
• You stay partly because ending it again feels too exhausting, embarrassing or complicated.
• You are not sure, today, whether you are together.

If several of these fit, getting back together again is not the decision to make yet. The decision is whether either of you is willing to change the pattern, and deciding whether the relationship can be saved walks through that more carefully, including how to set up a defined trial instead of another open-ended try.

The conversation before you say yes

Before any romance, have one conversation about the breakup itself. Not about how much you missed each other. About why it ended and what each of you did.

Before we do this, I need to talk about why we broke up. I don't want to just slide back in.

When I ended it, it was because I felt like I came last every weekend. What's different for you now?

I've thought about my part. I went silent instead of telling you I was upset. I've been working on that.

Listen for specifics. "I've been seeing someone to work on my temper since March" is information. "I've changed so much, you have no idea" is not, yet. If it would help to have the words ready, starting a hard conversation has openers for exactly this kind of talk.

A slower restart

Couples who reunite often go straight back to where they left off: the same apartment, the same weekend routine, the same friends' group chat announcing it. A slower restart gives you a chance to see whether the change is real.

1. Date for about three months before telling everyone. It protects both of you if it does not hold.
2. Do not move back in, or merge money again, in the first three months. Untangling those twice is much harder than waiting.
3. Agree in advance what you will do when the old problem shows up. It will. "If I go quiet, I'll text you within the hour to say I need time, instead of disappearing."
4. Set a review date. At three months, each of you answers: is the thing that ended it actually different? If not, the kindest move for both of you may be a final, clear ending.

When the cycle itself is the danger

Some breakup-and-reunion patterns are not about mismatched expectations. If the breakups follow threats, shoving, being kept from friends or money, or you go back because you are afraid of what happens if you don't, that is a pattern of control, and the reunions are part of it. The apologies and promises that end each breakup are often the most convincing part. Better communication will not fix it. Hard situations and safety explains how to plan an exit that holds.

If you decide not to

Deciding against a reunion can feel like a second breakup. If the contact itself keeps pulling you back, how to stop texting your ex has a plan for the worst evenings, and getting over a breakup covers the weeks that follow. If you want to keep them in your life another way, staying friends with an ex is honest about when that works. The rest of this pillar is in the breakups and moving on guide.

Start with the free EQTiger assessment (adults 18+), or go back to the Relationship Center.